I Wish I Were A Child Till I Die

so there’s nothing to fear. And I’d living in this world as I am.

I wish I were a child till I die.
Because a child will love everything honestly. Love everything she wants to.
Do everything. Make mistakes without any guilty or fear in the other moment when she makes it. All she knows is she loves it. That’s all.

I want to love you (and everything in me), honestly.
Like when I was a child.

I wish I were a child till I die.
so you shouldn’t grow old and always be like that.
Like the first time I saw you when I came to this world.

The time shouldn’t run that fast. Because I’m sick of running away and realize that both of us are growing up and older every day. And it means, sooner or later we’ll be separated.

I hate separation so much. Perhaps you dont know that. But I always remember the pain of seperation or when someone’s leaving me. Forever. I can recall that pain.

I’ve watched so many separation in my life. And I really hate to realize that someday I’ll live in this world without you.

I hate to realize that.

What if I cant be a good person in the future?
What If cant be a good daughter for you?
What If I cant be a good woman and a strong mother like you?

I’m just afraid to be not as good as you.

I wonder to be a better woman than you. A better mother, perhaps.
Because that means you are succees in raising a child like me.
I want you to be remembered as a good person and a good mother. So no one will humiliate you. Because they’ll see how your hardwork becomes the good me in the future.

I’m just afraid to fail you. I’m really desperate with it.
I. REALLY. AFRAID. TO. GROW. UP.
I. REALLY. HATE. SEPARATION.

So, should I give up now?

Should I?

No. Not yet.

I want not fail you. I’m just afraid, like when I’m afraid with ghost when I was a child. I believe soon this kind of pain will be healed.

All I know is I still want to fight though sometimes have to black and blue because of this fear. I want to fight my own self. So still, there’s no end yet.

But I wish I were child till I die.
That will make us as happy as we were. When there’s nothing to fight for. It just only about what color should I choose for my drawing and you give me your opinion. It was just that. And I feel enought for that.

I wish I were a child till I die.

2015
Rumah Biru

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